Asking Not Asking #26: Trying to Break the Cycle
TINA ESSMAKER / Creative Coach
Dear Tina,
I’m looking for motivation to take the next step. The problem is that I know what I need to do. I just can’t seem to actually do it. For years I’ve had an idea for a side project related to illustration with the dream of it helping me transition into illustration more full-time.
The challenge is that I work a full-time job and am exhausted by the time I get home. All I want to do is watch TV and veg out. When I think of working on my side project, I get overwhelmed then think about how little energy I have then feel guilty and the cycle happens over and over.
I can’t find the motivation to break the cycle, but I know that no one else can do it for me. What can I try to get inspired enough to make my idea real and get closer to doing the work I really want to do?
Sincerely,
Trying to Break the Cycle
Dear Trying to Break the Cycle,
This is a challenging place to be in. You’re right. You’re the only one who can do something about it, and yet you feel unable to do something about it. You already recognize that you are the only one who can make a change. You know what you need to do. But you are struggling against inaction followed by guilt. And the cycle continues on and on.
Patterns are hard to break, but not impossible. Let’s look at your pattern of guilt starting with the expectations you have for yourself. What are the expectations you have for yourself when working on your illustration side project at home after work? Are you lumping the whole project together and attempting to tackle it at once? That’s like trying to go from 0 to 60 MPH in less than 5 seconds in a station wagon instead of a Porsche 911.
Car analogies aside, you cannot go from vegetating on the couch to unwind in the evenings to spending your nights enveloped in a side project that requires active engagement and mental bandwidth. You’ll have to build a bridge to get there. What are realistic expectations? Would it be reasonable to expect to have a period of time to unwind after work and then ease into time working on your side project? For example, you could come home, relax, eat dinner, and then spend 30 minutes working on your side project on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. Maybe you do this for a month and see how it goes. If you’re able to stick to it, you could increase the length of time you spend on your project for each sitting or increase the numbers of days you allocate for work sessions. Little by little, you can decrease your TV time and increase your illustration project time.
The other option, which you’ve already mentally attempted is to go from 0 to 60 in your station wagon of creativity. The wagon’s engine isn’t robust enough and you’ll be disappointed every time. I would encourage you to first upgrade your car, aka give yourself the time and tools for success.
One of the tools for success is the mind. Our thinking has a huge impact on our actions and output. We operate according to our actual beliefs, not the things we say we believe. My guess is that there are limiting beliefs affecting your actions and holding you back. Now that you’ve reflected on your expectations, I’d like you to examine your beliefs. You’ve had this idea for years, and it seems to be something you really want. But what do you tell yourself about yourself and your abilities to execute this project—this dialogue is also known as your inner critic, the voice that comes up with excuses, blames, belittles, and discourages us from pursuing what we truly desire.
“You’ve had this idea for years, and it seems to be something you really want. But what do you tell yourself about yourself and your abilities to execute this project?”
As humans, we will usually choose the path of least resistance that offers the most physical and emotional comfort. Coming home after a long, mentally and perhaps emotionally draining day, it’s easier and more appealing to sit on the couch and be entertained. Also, there are times where we really do need to disconnect and relax our minds. TV is not inherently bad, but what you are telling me is that it is keeping you from one of your dreams and you are using it as a distraction.
So, it’s easier to come home and veg out to the latest show. Not only physically, but emotionally, too. Think about the emotional risk that actually pursuing your project would entail. What are all of the things your inner critic might say to you?
“Who are you to think you can do this?”
“You won’t succeed anyway.”
“It will take too long to transition.”
“You can start tomorrow. You’re tired now.”
“You’re not formally trained.”
“You don’t know what you’re doing.”
“Why do you even want this?”
“Maybe you won’t like it once you have it.”
“Why even bother?”
The progression of thoughts ends with you talking yourself out of it so you don’t have to be vulnerable by trying for something you really want and not getting it. In an older episode of the podcast, Big Magic, Brènè Brown says, “When you're taking on creativity, you're taking on soul work. This is not about what we do, but who we are. And the wounds around it are breathtaking.” The project you want to tackle isn’t just about the work you want to do. It’s about who you want to become. Are you afraid that person is just out of reach? Do you worry you are not capable of becoming that person? If so, then isn’t it easier to simply sit on the couch and watch TV and distract yourself from the dreams you don’t feel worthy of?
But this is the catch—in that same Big Magic episode, Brènè goes on to note that, “Unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes into grief, resentment, heartbreak.” If you don’t try, this is what you risk: Living with grief, resentment, and heartbreak. If you try, you risk failure and disappointment. Which risk can you live with? When the pain of potential heartbreak outweighs the fear of failure, you will find a way to move forward.
“If you don’t try, this is what you risk: Living with grief, resentment, and heartbreak. If you try, you risk failure and disappointment. Which risk can you live with? When the pain of potential heartbreak outweighs the fear of failure, you will find a way to move forward.”
Guilt is tricky because it keeps us from the very thing that could break its pattern. The answer to letting go of your guilt is acting on the thing you want. This is the way out. In her book, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life, Dr. Susan David says, “Compassion gives us the freedom to redefine ourselves as well as the all-important freedom to fail, which contains within it the freedom to take the risks that allow us to be truly creative.” If you are going to break the pattern, you have to grant yourself the freedom to fail. This includes the freedom to fail at the project you want to pursue and the freedom to fail at sticking to a schedule you outline as well as milestones you want to reach.
You can aim to spend 30 minutes 3 times per week on your project and sometimes you’ll succeed. But you’ll also fail sometimes. The determining factor is whether or not you allow that failure to suck you back into patterns of guilt or choose to hit reset and get back on schedule for the next work session. Successful people don’t have a perfect track record, unblemished by failures. They continue to move forward, learning from failure rather than getting stuck in its muddy waters.
Don’t let guilt bully you into inaction. Don’t let guilt convince you to give up your dreams. Don’t let guilt lead you to live a life wondering what could have been? Because, yes, you could fail. Yes, it could all not be worth it in the end. But you could also build momentum, create a rich illustration practice, and develop a whole new portion of your creative practice. Whether it’s for yourself or becomes part of a commercial practice, it sounds like pursuing illustration would be fulfilling to you and that’s what matters.
Take a risk on yourself. Don’t expect perfection. Set realistic milestones. Break negative thought patterns that perpetuate guilt. Schedule time to spend on your side project. Sit in the chair and work. Do it again and again. Build habits slowly over time. Use those small wins to gain more wins. This is how you thrive. This is how you end the cycle you’re in. This inspiration you’re looking for is in the action.
To building bravery,
Coach Tina
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Asking Not Asking is a bi-monthly column written by Tina Essmaker, a New York City-based coach, speaker, and writer who helps others live into their possibility. To be considered for the column, send and email to tina@workingnotworking.com with a short note about where you're at and where you want to be, and make sure to include the following:
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