Asking Not Asking #29: Rethinking It All
TINA ESSMAKER / Creative Coach
Hi Tina,
I just returned to work after time off for medical reasons. I’m feeling better and was ready to get back to work. But now that I’m back, I’m unsure about my path. Having to take time off without a choice forced me to reflect on what’s important. Now it feels like I’m going backwards when instead I want to try something new.
For background, I’m an art director at a publication based in New York. I’ve been there for 4 years and I like it overall. But now I’m reconsidering the pace, what I want out of a job, and if I even want to be in New York. Taking time off made me realize how fast-paced my work and life was. I might want something different. How do I decide without uprooting my entire life?
Looking for advice,
Rethinking It All
Dear Rethinking It All,
It’s not a surprise that you’re reconsidering what’s important to you, what you want out of work and life, and what changes you can make to get closer to those things. Whenever life forces us to pause, we reflect. You had a large amount of time to think about the various parts of your life and now you see the discrepancies between where you are and where you want to be. This is to be expected.
First, I want to encourage you not to uproot your entire life. It might seem like a good idea to simply start over, but that route comes with its own difficulties. If you do decide to take a new job or move to a new city, I’d suggest having a plan to transition. Sure, people do quit their jobs and move across the country and it works out. If you decide you must take this route, do consider your resources (i.e. time, family support, savings, your network in a new city) first to make it less of a strain on you while you transition.
Now, where I think you can start is by deciding on some guiding principles, or values. So often we arbitrarily make decisions without knowing why. Maybe we feel like doing it, maybe it seems like a better option in theory, maybe someone else encouraged us in that direction. Following your gut and intuition—if you’re in tune with them—isn’t necessarily bad. But guiding principles can be used along with your intuitive feeling about the situation to help you make a choice.
For example, if one of the guiding principles of your work is “Growth,” which means you want to be in a role that allows you to develop new skills, and you get a new job offer, you can ask yourself, “Intuitively, how would it feel if I took this job, and how does this job align with my principle of ‘Growth’?” In the same way you want to ask if a decision aligns with your principles, it’s important to also trust your gut.
There is something in you that’s telling you it’s time for something new. Don’t ignore that part of you. The beauty of making a decision that will help you grow regardless of how it pans out is to be in tune with your intuition and also to be able to objectively look at your options.
“There is something in you that’s telling you it’s time for something new. Don’t ignore that part of you.”
That said, your first step would be to spend some time coming up with your guiding principles for making decisions about your work. You can also create principles for your life, relationships, finances, and so on. But since you asked about work, let’s start there.
I’d like you to do an exercise to help you determine your guiding principles when it comes to work. Set aside an hour and grab paper and pen or a journal and answer the following questions:
When was I the happiest in my work?
What tasks was I doing?
What skills was I using?
Was I working alone or with a team?
What what was my contribution?
Once you answer these questions, go back and look for themes. Perhaps you were happiest when learning a challenging new skill that allowed you to grow, so “Growth” might be the principle. Maybe you most enjoy working with a team so “Collaboration” is a principle that’s important to you. Maybe you enjoy doing a variety of tasks rather than focusing on one specialty niche, so “Range” is a principle you want to embody in your work.
I’ll share examples from my own exploration of guiding principles in my work so you have something tangible to reference. Here are my principles and how I define them in my work:
Growth: ongoing opportunities to learn, be uncomfortable, take risks, develop talent, practice skills
Independence: the freedom to be self-directed and autonomous; if working for someone, I need to be trusted and empowered to do the work
Creativity: space to think, use my imagination, ideate, and brainstorm; resources to execute ideas
Return: tangible results of my work in the form of financial compensation, recognition, and further opportunities
Develop: the ability to invest in others and help cultivate their potential and teach, whether one on one or on a mass scale
Belief: my work must be meaningful to me, align with my values, and contribute to the world in some capacity (bigger than me)
A few years ago, in the midst of a big life transition, I was in a similar situation as you. I knew I wanted to make a change, but I wasn’t sure what direction to go in. I interviewed for a job that looked great on paper, but when I compared it to my guiding principles—which I had formed over the previous months of introspection—I realized that there was a reason my gut told me not to take the job. It likely would have been a great job for a season and I would have done well in the position, but it didn’t fully align with my guiding principles. I said thank you and declined the role. Shortly after, I decided to be trained as a coach and open my own practice, a career path that aligns with my guiding principles.
“The thing about guiding principles is that you never fully embody them and stop growing. There are times in my career when I feel closer to some and further away from others. That’s when I know it’s time to reflect, assess, and realign. It will be the same for you.”
The thing about guiding principles is that you never fully embody them and stop growing. There are times in my career when I feel closer to some and further away from others. That’s when I know it’s time to reflect, assess, and realign. It will be the same for you. Once you know what’s important to you and you’ve clearly defined your guiding principles, you can review them on a regular basis, edit them as needed, and make new decisions that will get you closer to embodying them, not just in principle, but in action.
You are currently rethinking it all—work, personal life, where you live, what you want. I’d encourage you to begin with one area at a time. Create guiding principles for work and your life. Then begin to asses the small pieces, one at a time: Can you make changes in your current job to get closer to your guiding principles in action? Once you know your personal guiding principles—it sounds like one might be related to creating a slower, more intentional pace of life—then you can reflect on your home, relationships, weekly routine, commitments, and other personal life choices. Perhaps changing one thing could have a big impact—much of the time it does. Make changes, little by little, and you’ll get closer to where you want to be.
It’s a bit of an experiment with no guarantee. You can’t know the outcome, but if you are making decisions based on the principles you’ve decided, you can rest assured that over time you’ll be closer to feeling at home in your work and life.
To realigning one step at a time,
Coach Tina
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Asking Not Asking is a bi-monthly column written by Tina Essmaker, a New York City-based coach, speaker, and writer who helps others live into their possibility. To be considered for the column, send and email to tina@workingnotworking.com with a short note about where you're at and where you want to be, and make sure to include the following:
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