Asking Not Asking #30: Needing A Refresh
TINA ESSMAKER / Creative Coach
Hello Tina,
It’s that time of year again. Work is winding down before break and I’m getting ready to travel for the holidays. Then I’ll be back in the office for the new year without really feeling like I’ve had a break.
I’m wondering how I can travel and see family plus get refreshed. There are lots of obligations this time of year, but is it possible to take care of myself too? Every year I promise myself that I’m going to say no to more things so I can have more time to relax, but I feel selfish doing that.
I know my work will be better and I’ll be able to focus more if I take time for myself. How can I start to say yes to myself more, not just during this time of year, but on a more regular basis?
Appreciate your help,
Needing A Refresh
Dear Needing A Refresh,
This time of year is rampant with requests, invitations, and obligations. Add expectations from family, friends, and loved ones on top of that and it can be tough to find any time for yourself to refresh. Yet it is possible to take care of yourself, too. Let’s dive right in!
Here are a few places to start:
1. What refreshes you?
Do you know what helps you feel relaxed, clear your mind, and refresh yourself? Perhaps you have a clear idea in your mind, but if you don’t this is the place to start. Make a list of all of the activities outside of work and other obligations that help you reset. Aim for at least 10 items on your list so you have plenty to choose from. Examples could be reading, meditating, going for a walk in nature, journaling, having a deep conversation, hitting the gym, or simply being alone with your thoughts.
2. Work with your existing routine.
We often fail at making or sustaining change because we try to make changes that are too big or change too much at once. Start small. What does your day or week look like? Of course it can fluctuate this time of year, but what is your typical schedule? Or what do you anticipate your schedule to be during travels?
Think about 30- to 45-minute windows of time you can plan into your day to do something for yourself. Here are a few examples that can still work with travel:
Start the morning with a 15-minute free write about what you are most looking forward to today, this week, this month, or this year.
Set aside time for a 15-minute solo walk around the neighborhood before or after lunch.
Schedule a 30-minute call with a friend while you’re both away to stay in touch
Bring a book with you and read a chapter each morning or evening
End your day reflecting on at least one thing that happened that you are grateful for
“We often fail at making or sustaining change because we try to make changes that are too big or change too much at once. Start small. What does your day or week look like?”
3. Set clear boundaries.
Setting clear boundaries begins with being reasonable about what you are capable of, what you need, and deciding to prioritize your health and wellness. Even though we feel obligated to say yes to friends, family, and colleagues, we will be at our best—and be able to offer them our best—when we take care of ourselves first.
Today I was on Instagram and came across a story from Kate Aldridge, a fellow coach and writer, who shared practical tips on how to care for yourself during the holidays when there are plenty of events and parties. However, I think these tips are insightful for a year-round practice of self-care:
“Drive yourself to gatherings so you can leave on your own terms.”
“Give yourself a time limit for social interaction and a time you’ll aim to leave by.”
“Get up every 30 minutes or so for fresh air, bathroom break, change of scenery.”
“Have a grounding tool with you to play with, like a rock, ring, necklace, etc.”
“Find a way to be yourself, whether it’s how you dress or a dish you bring to pass.”
“Identify the moments that are joyful and engage with them.”
*Above suggestions from coach & writer Kate Aldridge
“We can’t say yes to everything. Rather, we can, but in that scenario the person we are most likely saying no to is ourselves...Saying no is a way to reclaim our power.”
4. Say no.
This is perhaps the most difficult action to take, but we can’t say yes to everything. Rather, we can, but in that scenario the person we are most likely saying no to is ourselves. When we grow up in a culture or family where we learn it’s not okay to say no because it’s an indication of selfishness or meanness, that can carry through to our adult lives. Saying no is a way to reclaim our power around what is most important to us and what is not.
I recently wrote an article for 99U about the art of doing nothing and how we can tell when it’s time to say no. You can read it here. But the gist is that if you have time, you want to do it, it’s important to you, and it aligns with your values, then you can say yes. Otherwise, consider why you are doing it. It’s okay to want to do things for the people who are most important to us because we want to make them happy, but be clear on how much you can say yes to or else you’ll end up resenting the person for their request.
5. Start new traditions.
As kids, we do what our family does, but as adults, we get to decide what traditions and rituals we want to incorporate into our lives. Maybe you still travel back home to see family and that’s what you enjoy doing. Or maybe you’d prefer to see family just before the holidays and celebrate on the actual days with a new tradition.
Whether you’re single, have a partner, or have kids, you can decide on new ways to celebrate that feel good to you and allow you to have some time to refresh, too. For example, maybe you alternate going home and hosting your family in your new city. This can certainly be tricky to navigate and I’d recommend open conversations about it long before the end of the year so everyone knows what to expect and plan for.
The end of the year and the beginning of a new one can lead us to be optimistic about everything we can achieve. We have good intentions of wrapping all of our work deadlines before December 31, attending every holiday party and gathering, celebrating with family and friends if that’s part of our tradition, fitting in travel, and planning to take downtime and rest. It’s impossible that we’ll get to it all.
The best we can do is prioritize. There will be some things you need to move back on the calendar or say no to. That’s okay. You’re human and you only have so much time, energy, and attention. If you drain it all on others, you’ll have nothing left for yourself. But if you can be clear about what matters most to you and say yes to those things first, then you’ll be on a path to feeling more refreshed, not just now, but for the year.
When we need a refresh, it can be tempting to think it has to be a big experience, like a long vacation on a tropical beach. It certainly can look like that, but refreshing can also look more ordinary. Adding small acts of self-care into your daily routine can boost your energy. Setting boundaries to preserve your energy for what matters most will help you feel more empowered when it comes to your time. And learning when to say no will be an important reminder of your priorities.
Incorporating these practices into your life is more powerful than a one-time reset. They will become a reminder that you can refresh anytime you need it. And, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, simply start here. At the beginning of each day, ask yourself, What can I do to feel more refreshed today? Make this question part of your morning ritual and trust yourself to answer it. Then follow through.
To radical and practical self-care,
Coach Tina
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Asking Not Asking is a bi-monthly column written by Tina Essmaker, a New York City-based coach, speaker, and writer who helps others live into their possibility. To be considered for the column, send and email to tina@workingnotworking.com with a short note about where you're at and where you want to be, and make sure to include the following:
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