Asking Not Asking #33: All or Nothing
TINA ESSMAKER / Creative Coach
Dear Tina,
I’ve been following your career for many years, dating back to the early days when you ran your magazine. I found such inspiration in the stories you shared and how you were able to ask questions that took into consideration the whole life of the artist.
I’ve been a creative professional for 15 years, and over that time, I too have learned my own sort of balance that allows me to live and work in New York City, as well as also make small spaces for personal art and writing in my free time.
When I was younger, I made this balance work by working as a freelancer or staying with full time jobs only for around a year at a time. I juggled one-off illustration jobs with more regular 9-5 employment in design shops. However, more recently I’ve preferred the relative security of committed full time work, (mainly because I was lucky enough to find a unicorn of a day job.) Almost four years ago I was the third hire at an incredible startup. I feel a sense of belonging, community and purpose in my job like I’ve never felt before. I love my coworkers and I’m challenged by the problems we’re solving.
With age, I have full appreciation for how rare this truly is, and I don’t want to give that up. However, over the past year, art has been calling out to me again in a way I can’t ignore. Her pleas have been getting stronger, more urgent—and more disappointed in my lack of resolve to commit more time to her—time I simply don’t have right now. I even have the first draft of a graphic novel that is begging to get finished. I know exactly what I want to work on.
My (ironic) challenge is this: while I have more resources than ever, my scarcity mindset also seems to grow proportionally. I’m so afraid to venture on my own path and lose what I’ve spent a lifetime working for. Throughout my career I’ve always felt like I was making a creative sacrifice in order to not worry about finances.
I miss that feeling in my 20s that anything was possible and risks were almost always well worth taking… because after all, I had nothing to lose. I want to be responsible, but especially as I get older, I’m feeling a more existential and deeper need to feel like I’m living a life that matters according to my own values, and using my limited time and energy on this earth to make the work I feel has meaning, even if only to me.
I know I don’t need to be so black and white in my thinking, but I’m experiencing a powerful form of paralysis in breaking down the steps I need to take. I feel my own beliefs about myself are self-sabotaging, and I constantly feel as though I am failing or not doing enough. But then every once in a while, I hear an encouraging voice peep from deep inside, “But did you not also write an entire book while working full time in a demanding industry?” I know I have the grit to make something work, but how can I adjust both the logistics of my day to day, as well as my own belief systems to feel like I’m making progress toward meaningful work.
Sincerely,
All or Nothing
Dear All or Nothing,
It’s true that it never gets easier to take a risk. Our responsibilities increase and we become more and more comfortable in our daily routines. We favor the known over the unknown and continue on our path until we no longer can because of the tension. You’re in the place of tension where the thing you desire to do—making art, and more specifically, finishing your graphic novel—is calling out to you so strongly that you can no longer ignore it. To continue neglecting that desire will lead to heartbreak.
From my experience working with coaching clients, the puzzle of logistics is rarely impossible to solve. Although it can take some creative maneuvering, there’s usually a way to address the practical aspects of what’s keeping us from where we want to be. The more difficult challenge is addressing our beliefs, which can feel overwhelming and find us in a creative impasse.
The good news is that you weren’t born with self-defeating beliefs, which means that you can unlearn them. First, you must get to know them. From your letter, it sounds like there are two voices at play here: one is encouraging and focuses on what you have accomplished, whether big or small. The other is discouraging and focuses on what you haven’t done.
“The good news is that you weren’t born with self-defeating beliefs, which means that you can unlearn them. First, you must get to know them.”
I’d like you to take a moment to do a writing experiment. Grab a piece of paper and write “The Encouraging Voice” at the top. Now, set a timer for 5 distraction-free minutes and write down all of the statements the encouraging voice tells you when it speaks up. Perhaps it recognizes small wins you’ve had throughout the week. Maybe it tells you that you still have time to accomplish your dreams. Write whatever comes to mind.
Now, do the same for the discouraging voice. At the top of a new sheet of paper, write “The Discouraging Voice” and set your timer for another 5 minutes. My guess is it will be easier to write down items on this list because it’s what you’ve had practice focusing on. Maybe this voice tells you that you haven’t achieved anything and never will. Perhaps it tells you it’s too late for your dreams of making art. Write down all of the worst, most negative statements this voice has told you.
Now, think of both voices as friends. Which friend would you want to invite to sit around your table for dinner? Which would you reach out to for support when going through a tough time? Which friendship would you want to safeguard and nurture? It’s unlikely that any of us would choose to spend time with the discouraging friend. Yet we often spend time with the negative voice that leads us to focus on the negative. We deserve better.
When you can remove yourself from those inner voices and detach, even if only a little, you can begin to see them as a third party, or an outside force, that either helps or doesn’t help. Then you can choose how you want to respond. The negative friend will always be there, ready to give input and tell you why you can’t do it. But even if their voice pops up as you are trying to get to work, you don’t have to listen. Some of my clients have found it helpful to name their inner critic and literally respond with something like, “Thanks, inner critic, I know you’re looking out for me because you don’t want me to be disappointed, but I don’t need your opinion right now. I’ve got this.” It’s a way to set a boundary around limiting beliefs and tell them they’re no longer welcome. Other clients have found it helpful to write out their limiting beliefs and then do a ritual, like burning them, to symbolize that they are no longer going to live by those statements.
Still others have found it helpful to replace current limiting beliefs with new, expansive beliefs, which is what I want to touch on next. I don’t believe we can simply do away with negative, limiting beliefs without replacing them with positive, expansive beliefs. We need something to guide us, and in the absence of beliefs that will strengthen and encourage us, there is plenty of room for doubt, fear, and criticism to creep in.
“When you can remove yourself from those inner voices and detach, even if only a little, you can begin to see them as a third party, or an outside force, that either helps or doesn’t help. Then you can choose how you want to respond. The negative friend will always be there, ready to give input and tell you why you can’t do it.”
Your letter does contain optimism, which means it’s simply a matter of making more space for that voice to be a regular part of your days. You recognize your unicorn day job, your wonderful coworkers, the plethora of resources you have, and the entire book you write while working a full-time job! There is a way to maintain all of these positive things and work on your art. You don’t have to choose one or the other. But it will be an experiment in logistics to see how you can make more time for art.
So let’s talk logistics. First, remove the pressure you feel to choose either your day job or your art practice. Instead, think about ways your day job can support your art practice, and how your art practice can enrich your days and perhaps provide something you desire beyond your day job. Think about how you can work within the current rhythm of your days.
If your goal is to complete your graphic novel, let’s focus on that. What does it mean to “complete” your graphic novel. Yes, there is the ideal outcome of a completely produced and perfected product. But what is the first iteration of that completion? Can you edit your expectations into milestones that feel more achievable? Is the first stage completing the writing, the narrative? Is the second stage completing a few example drawings to find the style you want to have and then completing illustration drafts for each chapter? Take that big, overarching goal and break it down into clearly definable goals. Now, what order do those goals need to be tackled in? You need the copy before you can illustrate. You need an illustration style before you illustrate the whole novel.
Writing a list of tasks in the order you will do them can be helpful because of this next step: only focus on what you will do now. Look at the coming 1-3 months and plug in time for your novel’s tasks that relate to the current goal. This may require you to rearrange some of the tasks on your calendar. It will certainly require you to prioritize. Where can you fit in 30 or 60 minutes for your art? It doesn’t have to be a large chunk of time, and you may be more productive with constraints. Then, when you get to the designated time on your calendar, know in advance what you will focus on. Write it on the event in your calendar so it’s clear. The last thing you want to do is sit down and have time and feel stuck about what to work on.
So, to sum up the logistics of it: 1) Break your big goal down into bite-sized pieces 2) Order those pieces so you know the sequence of tasks 3) Schedule time for those tasks into your existing schedule or slightly edit your schedule to make room 4) Choose smaller chunks of time to work on tasks so you feel supported by constraints 5) Plan in advance what tasks you will focus on for the time you set aside so you can dive right into your practice.
The last thing of note is that this requires regular check-ins with yourself. They can be monthly or quarterly—whatever makes sense to you. Mark those on the calendar, too. Make them fun. Invite the positive, encouraging friend to those to help you reflect on what you’ve achieved and how that will serve as a foundation for the next steps. Tell the negative, discouraging friend that you don’t need their opinion. You’ve got it and you’re moving forward, not with an all or nothing mentality, but with the belief that each step will lead to the next and get you closer to your goal. Above all, learn to take joy in the intervals.
To joy in the intervals,
Coach Tina
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Asking Not Asking is a bi-monthly column written by Tina Essmaker, a New York City-based coach, speaker, and writer who helps others live into their possibility. To be considered for the column, send and email to tina@workingnotworking.com with a short note about where you're at and where you want to be, and make sure to include the following:
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