Asking Not Asking #35: Gut Issue
TINA ESSMAKER / Creative Coach
Hi Tina,
Over the past 4 years, I have been working (and slowly climbing) my way through a small company that is neither the right fit nor healthy for me. I often feel drained by the work, company culture and low pay. To remedy, I have been actively applying to jobs, networking and taking professional development classes to find a better alternative.
With no clear path forward or new job offer in sight, I decided to pitch an improved role to my current company as a way to help steer me in a better direction towards some of my confirmed interests. Low and behold, they approved my new role & title! A good thing, right?
As I approach the formal start date I feel completely sick with anxiety. I still know this line of work and company isn't right for me but I also don't know yet what is. I have also been asked to take on clients, which feels dishonest.
How do I move forward when in my gut I know this is still wrong?
Please help,
Gut Issue
Dear Gut Issue,
This is a tough one. The dissonance we create within ourselves when we ignore our gut takes a toll on us. You are already feeling the tension between what you know to be true and your actions. While it’s not wrong to say yes to this new position, it feels wrong for you. However, the challenge is that if you walk away, you’re unsure what to walk into. We stay for many reasons, including comfort, familiarity, lack of resources, lack of choice (perceived or real) to name a few. For you, it sounds like lack of choice is the biggest hurdle in choosing a different path.
Yet you have not allowed yourself to become paralyzed. I want to recognize the actions you have already taken, even with your current constraints. You have actively applied for jobs, networked, and taken professional development courses. That is a lot of work on top of a full-time job. You’ve poured a significant amount of time and energy into bettering your situation. You have been earnest in seeking out alternatives.
When those alternatives didn’t come to fruition, you took another step by asking yourself how you could improve your current situation within the company. You proposed a new role and title to your current employer and they agreed to it. While the company itself may still be misaligned with what you need, this is a step forward. I hope you can see it as that. From what you said, this new role will help you get closer to your interests, and that is an accomplishment.
You seem to be gifted at seeing opportunities. You are taking initiative to create change. You are problem-solving in unexpected ways. These are all wonderful strengths. Keep using them. Don’t get discouraged now. So often, seeing the results of our efforts is simply about timing and luck.
Let’s talk logistics. You have a handful of options: 1) Continue on in the new role approved by your company and tell yourself it’s wrong and feel guilty, 2) Continue on in the new role approved by your company and tell yourself that while it’s still not the best fit, you’ll make it work for a period of time, 3) Decline to move forward with the new role and stay in your current role, and 4) Decline to move forward with the new role and quit your job with nothing to move into. There may be other options, but those are the obvious ones.
“You are taking initiative to create change. You are problem-solving in unexpected ways. These are all wonderful strengths. Keep using them. Don’t get discouraged now. So often, seeing the results of our efforts is simply about timing and luck.”
Is there one that resonates the most with you? Is there one you can move forward with and feel okay about at the end of the day? What is making you feel like it’s “wrong” to move forward? Is it because your employer doesn’t know how you feel? Or because you feel like you’re acting like everything is okay on the outside while you struggle with feelings of dissonance internally? I’d encourage you to do some reflection on exactly what feels “wrong” and if there’s a way for it to feel less wrong or even like an acceptable solution for the time being.
It sounds like you need to buy yourself time to figure out what’s next for you, on a macro and micro level. You’re not sure about this line of work, which could lead to changing disciplines or fields altogether and require further training. You’re also not sure about this particular role. These things take time to figure out, and while it’s totally doable, you will need to work and make money in the meantime. As you’re thinking about how to explore other professional pursuits, what’s the best way to support yourself? What does that look like?
Think about the phases of the moon. A new moon builds into a waxing crescent, first quarter, and waxing gibbous before becoming full. You can’t skip the phases in nature, and you can’t skip the phases of your life. There is an in-between you will need to adapt to and live within as you reach for what’s next and beyond. So while it may not feel like a great fit, does it feel closer to where you want to be? Can you consider it a phase of your professional life that helps you build a fuller, more satisfying career?
When you look back at your career path, it will all make sense, but looking forward there is often confusion and uncertainty. Go a little easier on yourself. Celebrate each phase and recognize your progress. Exercise patience. Understand how perspective plays into how you are defining your current experience.
“When you look back at your career path, it will all make sense, but looking forward there is often confusion and uncertainty. Go a little easier on yourself. Celebrate each phase and recognize your progress. Exercise patience. Understand how perspective plays into how you are defining your current experience.”
Speaking of perspective, have you heard of the moon illusion? Going back to the moon as an example, think about how sometimes the moon looks bigger and closer, and other times smaller and further away. This article in Vox notes that, “While a full moon can vary in apparent size from one cycle to the next (because the moon's orbit around the Earth is slightly elliptical, bringing it nearer and farther from us), a given night's moon takes up about the same proportion of the sky wherever it is.” Yet depending on where we are and how we view the moon in the sky—closer to or further away from the horizon—the moon appears bigger. Although the science behind it is still a bit of an enigma, theories suggest the illusion is due to our brains’ perceptions.
Would your brain perceive your situation differently if you had a different perspective? Think about what you would say to a friend in this situation. Or imagine you are a teacher or mentor advising another. Or you could try writing a letter of advice to yourself. I know that’s why you’ve written to me, but you are intelligent, resourceful, and resilient. I know that you will be able to uncover a solution that both feels good and allows you to move forward with your career.
Now onto the specific question you asked about taking on client work—I’m guessing that you mean clients want to work with you on a freelance basis, but I’m unclear if you are referring to agency clients or clients of your own. I’m also unclear about whether or not there’s an agreement with your current employer that prohibits you from taking on freelance work in addition to your full-time role.
That makes your question hard to answer. However, I’d encourage you to think of your guiding principles as you make a decision about client work. If you feel like you are operating outside of your own integrity, don’t proceed. If your decision aligns with your guiding principles and integrity, then that’s a big yes.
The most important thing you can do is decide what will help you feel good about your decision, whatever you land on—not perfect, but good. You don’t want to wake up everyday feeling anxious and guilty about a decision, but you also need to find a way to move forward, which will mean working through phases of different feelings. Not all will feel so great.
Until then, I will tell you that you’re on the right track. Sometime it feels like we’re never going to get to our destination, but like the moon, the phases of our lives are ever-changing. You will figure this out and then repeat the cycle with a new challenge. You will figure that out, too. You’ll keep going, keep changing, and keep waxing and waning as you carve out a path that elicits a gut response of, “Yes!”
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Asking Not Asking is a bi-monthly column written by Tina Essmaker, a New York City-based coach, speaker, and writer who helps others live into their possibility. To be considered for the column, send and email to tina@workingnotworking.com with a short note about where you're at and where you want to be, and make sure to include the following:
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